#6 – Obsidian

Dear Doctor Query,

Bee had no idea just how weird things were about to get when she set out to save mankind from extinction, but weirdness is a price you pay when you hop around in time.

She did not foresee being marooned thousands of miles away from her mission’s target, only to find a shaman’s son waiting for her — nearly five-hundred years in her past. She didn’t expect to have cannibals admiring her ass, and considering possible marinades. And how could she have known her new best friend would be a hat?

This is all very ironic because, even with her paranormal powers, all she could foretell was her own impending death. Again, and again, and again.

OBSIDIAN is complete at 88,000 words. I’d be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

Thanks in advance for your consideration,

[Redacted]

Doctor Query says:

This is very good.

We get your voice, which is funny but tart.  We get some of the plot, which you have summarized deftly.  We get a selection of the characters (and possibly a hint of romance?), along with an idea of the conflict — clearly, cannibals eyeing your nether regions with a bottle of hot sauce in hand is rather threatening. And we learn that the best friend is a hat… sounds fun.

A taste of darker matters is touched on in terms of her foreknowledge of her own death.

Skip the “very” ironic.  Perhaps you could do it this way: “It was ironic that even with her paranormal powers, all Bee could foretell, et cetera…”

You’ve got a strong query here.  Send it out!

That is all.

Doctor Query

Advertisements

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://doctorquery.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/6-obsidian/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Oh, I think this story sounds amazing. I hope you get published because I’d sure love to read it.

    • If you would like to read the first five chapters, go to http://www.artisangroup.us/the_monkey_boy

      Enjoy!

      • My apologies to Laura.

        In my haste to inform you where to find a sample of my book, I forgot to acknowledge
        your kind words. For that I am sorry.

        Thank you for your support.

  2. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you. I am so relieved to know it works. Without professional critique, I had no way of knowing if it was effective. Now I know!
    I will be sure to emend it as you suggested.
    By the way, did I say thank you? If not, thank you!

    • You are welcome!

      That is all.

      Doctor Query

  3. I could do with more detail about what exactly happens. For instance, why is mankind being threatened with extinction?

    Sounds pretty cool though.

  4. So are they still buying The Time Traveler’s Wife knock-offs?

    • There are no new stories. It’s all in the way you tell it.

      Doctor Query felt that the voice in the query letter was promising, indicating some sassy writing. Other opinions may vary.

  5. After following the good doctor’s advice, I emended my query letter and even used it as the back cover blurb.
    Now, I am pleased to announce M. D. Fann’s novel “The Monkey Boy” (previously referred to as “Obsidian”) is now on sale for $14.36 (28% off list price) at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Go to http://books.google.com/books?id=NpUpqP_fvt0C&sitesec=buy&source=gbs_buy_s&cad=0

    If you like the book, please tell your friends. If you don’t like the book, please tell me.

    • Congratulations to a great Fann! Doctor Query is very proud of you, and not at all surprised.

      You deserve success!

      That is all.

      Doctor Query


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: