#4 – A Doctor Query-certified letter – The Golden Gryphon

Dear Dr. Query,
I’m sorry to send you yet another one, but I think I’ve finally got it.
Life is not proceeding smoothly for Faldur, King’s Ranger of Belhanor.

Marenya, his Captain’s daughter, is in love with him.  This wouldn’t be so horrible, if it weren’t for the fact that her father is dead, killed by a nightstalker years ago, and Faldur has sworn never to leave a wife and family behind.   He wouldn’t want anyone to suffer that kind of grief for his sake – especially not Marenya.

The nightstalkers – black mountain lions that were trained to kill his people in the war – are coming down from the heights more frequently than ever, and no one knows why.

The Restorationists – regional lords whose fathers rebelled against the King – want the lands restored to them that the King reapportioned, and aren’t above killing sheep (the people’s main source of income) or taking innocent hawen hostage to get what they want.

Yesterday he tried to walk through what he thought was an enchanted waterfall.  It wasn’t.  He nearly drowned.

Now Marenya has been taken hostage, and he can’t go after her because he has a sworn duty to fulfill for the prince first. To make matters worse, he’s badly wounded.  To make them completely awful, she let this happen so that he could escape and fulfill his mission.  Stupid, foolish, stubborn, brave, wonderful girl!

The Book of Wisdom says “All things are predetermined, and in the end are right.”

Faldur certainly hopes so.

THE GOLDEN GRYPHON is a fantasy complete in 95,000 words, told alternately from Faldur and Marenya’s points of view.  I would be happy to provide sample pages upon request.

Congratulations!  At last, you have put together a compelling query letter.  The voice is personable and funny, and the details are evocative.  One might quibble with the length — and the excess of dashes — but one won’t, at this point.

Good for you!

Doctor Query won’t tell anyone that there was yet another version (that would have been #4, and this #5) you sent in that never got posted.

Now send this out!

Then, forget about it, and start on your next project.  Hi ho!

That is all.

Doctor Query

Um… a third revision arrived on the same day as the second one, below.  This is better.  It tells us more about the character we are presumably to care about and follow.

However, your many different approaches reveal that you are not sure enough about what’s important in your book to query yet.  You need to think about it some more.  See my comment after the end of this query.

Dear Dr. Query,
I think this one is better.  Please let me know.  I can’t seem to get it below 250 words, no matter how hard I try.
Thank you,
Marenya has lived most of her life in her cousin Pelwyn’s shadow.  Now she must become Pelwyn.  Not only her own life, but the fate of a lost prince and the future of her homeland, depend on her performance.

Marenya is a hawin, a young woman of a race called the Hanorja.  Ordinary hanorja have ordinary magic; the stronger abilities reside with the line of the Kings, such as Pelwyn’s future husband, Prince Melbrinor (Mel). When Pelwyn’s safety is  threatened, Marenya takes her place, acting as a decoy on the wedding journey to the capital.  She is taken hostage by the last person she expected:  Mel’s long-lost younger brother Raynor, and finds herself in the midst of a plot to murder Mel and his father, with Marenya/Pelwyn as the bait.

Marenya soon realizes that Raynor has been magically enslaved by the king’s nemesis, Lord Synedd, who is using him as a proxy to undermine the king, while forming his own uniquely-enhanced army.  Having failed with normal troops before, Synedd is determined not to fail again.  But Raynor has rebelled the only way he can: he kidnapped Marenya knowing she was a decoy, hoping to buy them all some time.

Marenya must find a way to free Raynor and herself in time to save everyone – and everything – she loves.  In the process, she discovers that both courage and magic can arise in the most unexpected place: within herself.

The Golden Gryphon is a fantasy complete in 100,000 words.  I will gladly provide sample pages or chapters upon request.

Question:  If you liked this query and asked for pages, and found that the first couple of chapters are in Faldur’s point of view (I didn’t even mention him in the query), would that cause confusion?

Yes.  You need to decide who your book is about.

Don’t write any more queries for a while.  Step back and make sure you are clear on the story.

Doctor Query

Second revised query:

Dear Doctor Query:

Okay, try this on for size.  Minus the cupcake liners.

Marenya has lived most of her life in her cousin Pelwyn’s shadow.  Now she must become Pelwyn.  Not only her own life, but the fate of the entire kingdom, depends on her performance.

Good opening.  Lose third sentence above.

Pelwyn has won the heart of Prince Melbrinor (Mel), heir to the throne.  Marenya switches identities with her on the journey to the capital for the wedding, in order to protect Pelwyn from her father’s enemy Lord Chalmeth, who wants to use her as a hostage in a land dispute.  When she is captured, Marenya realizes that Chalmeth is the least of their worries:  Mel’s long-lost brother Raynor is working behind the scenes, and plans to use her as bait in a plot to kill first Mel and then his father, in order to gain the throne.

You notice I put two paragraphs together.  Keep it tight.

But Raynor himself is a pawn – controlled by an enemy who is slowing tearing his mind apart by forcing him to act against his father and brother.  In his own way, Raynor has rebelled: he kidnapped Marenya knowing that his brother’s true bride had escaped, but both of their lives depend upon her giving a flawless performance.  If either of their deceptions are discovered, the subtle plot will be abandoned and a brutal invasion unleashed upon their homeland.

With the help of a golden gryphon, a little bit of magic, and a more courage than she ever dreamed she possessed, Marenya must find a way to free both Raynor and herself in time to save everyone – and everything – she loves.

The Golden Gryphon is a fantasy complete in 100,000 words.  Thank you for taking the time to consider this project.

You have a typo (extra “a”) in the penultimate paragraph, btw.

I’m liking it better.

But I think you could smooth it out even more.

What’s happening?  Our heroine Mar switches identities with her admired cousin Pel on the journey to Pel’s wedding to the crown prince Mel, and is kidnapped in her stead by nasty Lord Chal.  It turns out that the bigger threat is Ray, bro to Mel, who wants to murder his bro and pa and assume the throne.  [Not clear on what Ray has to do with Chal and the kidnapping, which may be okay to omit.]  But Ray is actually under the control of some really bad guy who is tearing apart Ray’s brain.  Ray knows it’s Mar, not Pel, that he’s got, and both of them are in cahoots to keep up the charade.  [Not clear how this helps Mel and saves Pel, but again, you don’t necessarily have to tell us that.  Just interest us.]

It’s still a bit dense.  I had to work hard to simplify your description.  And it’s also true that this query letter makes the plot sound completely different from your first effort, below.  Which makes me wonder whether you know the bones of your story.

Are you telling us about the main conflict?  Is this the character who drives the plot?

You’re closer, but you’re not there yet.

That is all!

Doctor Query

Original —

Dear Doctor Query,

You make me laugh!  Here is my query. I have no delusions of grandeur. I know I need help.
Thank you for your time.

[DQ Reader]

P.S. You didn’t specify whether you wanted the query as an attachment or included in the body of an email. I am sending an attachment; I hope that is alright.

Sometimes, the aftermath of peace is war.

Twenty years ago, a civil war divided the peaceful kingdom of Belhanor.  The traitors were beheaded, and most of their lands reapportioned. However, the king showed mercy to their families by allowing them to keep their ancestral homes and a fraction of their holdings, hoping to win back their loyalty.

Instead, many of these families are turning against him, forgetting their past disgrace and seeking to be restored to their former wealth and power.  They call themselves the Restorationists, and are plotting to force the king’s hand by seizing loyalist holdings until their demands are met.

I like your first sentence.  But the next two paragraphs, while mildly interesting, are too broad and test the patience of anyone reading this.  Keep in mind that agents or their assistants must wade through hundreds of queries.  They are looking for reasons to reject, sorry to say.

Thus — no extra words.  Cut to the chase!  You cannot afford to use two paragraphs for backstory.  Start with the action below.

It is up to the king’s son Melbrinor(Mel), and Faldur, captain of the Rangers, to stop the uprising before it starts.  They discover that one plot threatens Mel’s bride-to-be. Faldur is assigned to protect her, and is thus reunited with her cousin Marenya, whom he has tried hard to forget. She is the daughter of his former captain, who died in the line of duty.  Because of her father’s death, Faldur has vowed not to marry; despite this, they are inexorably drawn together.

Wait.  I’m confused.  Is Mel’s b-t-b Marenya?  Is Faldur a female, thus the second “her” refers to Faldur?  Or is the bride another person and Marenya is her cousin?  Any reason you can’t just name the bride?  Okay, wait.  It looks like Faldur is a he.  You need to unkink this paragraph.

And I don’t have any idea why Faldur wouldn’t marry because Marenya’s Dad died in the line of duty.  Why and what does that mean?  But only tell me if I need to know!

One of Faldur’s own men betrays them, and Faldur is injured.  Marenya takes the bride’s place and allows herself to be taken hostage in order to allow her friends to escape.  She soon discovers that both she and Chalmeth are pawns in a larger game, which threatens the future of the kingdom and the lives of everyone she loves.   She faces a series of dangers and deceptions for which she is entirely unprepared, while Faldur battles not only their enemies, but his own fears about love and loss.  Ultimately, faith and courage win out, and they find that the best weapon against evil is the truth.

Who’s Chalmeth??  More importantly, who is your protagonist?  I thought it was Mel, because you started with him.  Then you talk about Faldur, so maybe it’s him.  But if it’s actually Marenya, start with her.  Often, if your query letter is unclear, there’s a problem with your story.  Iron that out first.

The Golden Gryphon is complete in 100,000 words.  Thank you for taking the time to consider this project.


Cool title.

Start with simple declaratory sentences, and then embroider as necessary. For example:

“Marenya’s father is dead, killed fighting the Restorationists.  They’ve been restless since losing the civil war two decades ago and losing most of their lands and power.  Now Faldur, a man she loved but swore never to see again, has come back into her life.

Faldur, head of the Rangers and loyal to the king, is in charge of protecting the prince’s betrothed, Mystery Name.  Of course, as Mystery Name’s cousin, Marenya is thrown together with him et cetera, et cetera.”

But the biggest thing missing here is conflict.  You may well have it in your book, but it’s not in the query.  You say, “she faces a series of dangers and deceptions,” but you don’t tell us what.  That’s your plot.  Don’t just set it up. Give us a taste of what happens.  For example:

“Marenya must face the double-headed dragon while trying to make cupcakes in her Easy-Bake oven.  Dastardly Mel steals the cupcake liners, and she is forced to help him stir his red velvet cake batter until Faldur rescues her.”

Show us some of the stakes, while still keeping it clear, active, and short, short, short.

Feel free to revise and resubmit.

That is all.

Doctor Query

P.S.  DQ prefers submitted queries in the body of the email.


The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://doctorquery.wordpress.com/2009/11/13/4-the-golden-gryphon/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

13 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Here is my problem… every time I try to explain exactly what happens (which takes a whole book to describe) the query is too long. It’s a lot more complicated than an Easy-Bake oven crisis. You made me laugh again, by the way.

    I was trying to avoid throwing too many names out, hence not naming the bride. Naming Chalmeth was a cut-and-paste mistake.

    The book is told alternately in M and F’s points of view.

    I will revise.

  2. P.S. I’m trying really hard not to make this sound like a romance novel. It’s not a romance novel.

  3. We get that it’s not a romance novel. And Doctor Query was being snarky about the cupcakes and the Easy Bake oven. Doctor Query specializes in snarky cupcakes, btw.

    You don’t need to explain exactly what happens. At all. You need to paint us a simple picture in broad strokes so we can see:

    A. WHO is involved (only the main characters, and maybe not even all of them)

    B. WHAT he/she wants

    C. OBSTACLES he/she must overcome

    I used silly examples as a way of illustrating the simplicity you must seek. Your book may be complex and multi-layered, but you don’t need to show that in the query. In fact, you must not show that, or we will be overwhelmed.

    Tell us JUST enough to interest an agent. And do it in an engaging voice, representative of your writing, if you possibly can!

    That is all.

    Doctor Query

  4. (Laughing hysterical nervous laughter) But which of the many complexities should I pick to focus on? Argh!

    Not disagreeing with you, just rubbing the brick marks on my forehead.

    I really liked the Easy-Bake oven thing, actually. It was helpful.

  5. I agree that the plot description is convoluted making the reader work too hard. Could you just focus on those events that add to the understanding of the main character and the flavour of the story? Don’t try to put too much in. Hook the reader by interesting them in the mc and the tone of the story.

  6. There is a plot within a plot within a plot… several layers of deception to surprise the reader.

    The story is really about two sidekicks doing their duty, who suddenly find themselves in the middle of the action and have to figure out what to do. The really “important” people are Mel and Pelwyn. But Faldur and Marenya, thire respective sidekicks, get caught in the middle of everything and find that the fate of the kingdom depends on them. They are so accustomed to doing their duties, that they have to suddenly switch focus and take the reins, and discover who they are and what they really want… which is each other.

    So perhaps that should be the query.

  7. Sorry, I meant “their” instead of “thier.” I haven’t had my coffee yet this morning.

  8. P.S. I understand what you mean about waiting to query, and agree that I’m not ready. I’m actually beginning a major revision, and am hoping that the query-writing process will aid me in sharpening and focusing the plot.

    I’ve been sitting on this manuscript for six months now, and feel I must forge ahead or give it up, and I’m not ready to give up yet. I spent nine hours on Thursday composing those two queries, trying to figure out which aspect to focus on.

    The book really started out being about Marenya – a fantasy adventure from the girl’s POV – but the character of Faldur started becoming more and more prominent, and I finally decided to add him as a POV character, since much of the action takes place when he is present and M is not, so she would have to hear about it second-hand, which is boring. Most of my test readers liked the swash-buckling aspect of his role, although they also liked Marenya as the coming-of-age heroine.

    Thank you very much for your time, and your insight.

  9. You are welcome!

    That is all.

    Doctor Query

  10. hey… how come some people get three shots and some haven’t even got one yet.:(

    • Your day will come!

      That is all.

      Doctor Query

  11. Thank you! I will now go finish the manuscript.

    Here, have a red velvet cupcake on me.

  12. P.S. You DID tell everyone! I don’t mind though. I am nothing if not a) persistent and b) hungry for advice.

    I started a new blog called “The Writer’s Hole,” as in that hole you want to crawl into when things aren’t going well with your book. So your readers are welcome to come by and get encouraged, or gripe, or whatever! It’s linked to my name here.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: